Do You Love Me?

Originally posted as Thought for the Day on Yoga Teacher Journal. This post has been edited by the author.

Since I was 10 years old, I have been aware that my body was bigger than others my age. I hated my body. I hated it mostly because it made me different in a bad way. It made me feel awkward, outstanding; like a freak. It brought me unwanted and anxiety-ridden attention. I never felt like a cute little girl, a pretty girl, a beautiful girl. It meant I did not deserve to be a cheerleader, go to a pool party, or buy a princess dress to wear to my senior prom.

I have tried to change my body for three decades.

My initiation into the world of poor body image was on my twelfth birthday. I got my first gym membership to Gloria Stevens. It was given to me with good intentions, but, for godssakes, my 60-year old grandmother met her best friend there daily for a light workout and the latest gossip in her tights and body suit.

Like most people with an eating disorder or distorted body image, I tried every gym, pill, and diet to make myself a better person, a person other people would accept. With each failed attempt, I gained more weight and less self esteem. Because of my obesity, I have always avoided mirrors, cameras, and large groups of people. This self-hatred had me diagnosed with anxiety, panic disorder, depression, and binge eating disorder by the time I was 25. I reluctantly maintained these diagnoses for 15 more years.

In 2004, I took my first yoga class at Bikram Yoga Portsmouth, my little sister’s new studio. I tapped out at Full Locust, over two-thirds of the way through the class. I didn’t know this was an accomplishment for someone who hadn’t exercised in years. All I saw in the mirror was a fat loser. What I didn’t know at the time was that I had planted a seed of hope in myself by taking that class.

It took me years to attempt another class. I was ready for change. Somewhere deep inside, I knew this yoga could help facilitate that change.

My first three months of practicing yoga regularly I was my enemy. Every single class for 90 minutes, five days a week, I criticized my body.

“You are too fat to do yoga.”

“You are not good enough for yoga. Look at your fat stomach. Look at your fat arms. No wonder you can’t put your head to your knee in any of the compression postures. How dare you practice in the front row when you can’t even grab your foot in Standing Head to Knee? Who the hell do you think you are? You disgust me. You disgust others. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

For months, I dragged myself to class wishing every single second of every single class that it was over.

I swore at the teacher in my head. I hated the teacher. I hated the yoga. I hated myself.

I hated every thing about my life. I cried. I cried during class because I hated the yoga. I cried because I knew I would have to do the yoga for the rest of my life. I cried because I felt sorry for myself. I cried some more. I just wanted it to get easier. Why wasn’t getting easier? I quit hard things. This was harder than anything I had ever done.

With every drop of sweat, I wanted to quit.

After about 100 classes, in pure exhaustion, the light bulb went on. If this was the hardest thing I had ever done, wouldn’t that mean that life outside this hot room would get easier if I continued the yoga? It started to sink in. I do not know how, but I just kept doing the yoga. The yoga changed me. It changed everything in my life. Like a flower growing out of concrete, my hatred turned into love. Maybe I could do this yoga.

The yoga started to fix my hamstrings, cure my panic, and alleviate my depression. My plantar fasciitis disappeared. The one motivation that kept me going to class was that this was my answer. I had faith in the yoga. I began to embrace the struggles and the change came. Even each of those moments of hating yoga, hating myself, hating the teacher and the postures, for the first time in my life this was exactly where I belonged. Even being the biggest person in the room, I belonged there. For the first time, I could see myself and I liked what I saw. For the first time, I experienced peace.

Yoga is my home. It is where I feel normal. It is where I fit in, not just with the other students, but with myself. My face, my body, and my postures are exactly where they are supposed to be. I have achieved marriage between my body, mind, and spirit. The yoga allows me to maintain that marriage, to maintain self love, which ultimately pours over into the rest of my life. Finding the time and money to live the yoga life is so much easier than trying to maintain my sadness, depression, and negativity.

Today when I look in the mirror and ask myself do you love me? The answer is always a resounding, “Yes. At last Gina, YES!”

Gina HeadshotGina Ceppetelli is a Quality Analyst for RCM and avid yogi who lives in Southern Maine with her son, Khalil.

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Posture of the Month: Spine Time – June 2017

Happy June!

This month we have another awesome posture for you to work on.

 The Spine Twisting Pose
ARDHA-MATSYENDRASANA

Spine Twisting Pose.png

What is it??

  • 150-degree rotation of the spine,
  • all vertebra rotating 1-5 degrees from top to bottom.

The spine twisting pose has some great benefits for your body:

  • Increases circulation and nutrition to spinal nerves, veins, and tissues
  • Improves spinal elasticity and flexibility
  • Helps cure lumbago and rheumatism of the spine
  • Improves digestion
  • Firms abdomen, thighs, and buttocks
  • Strengthens back and abdominal muscles
  • Increases flexibility of the hip and shoulder joints
  • Prevents and heals herniated disc
  • Detoxifying
  • Helps arthritis of the knee and sciatica

Running Clean

Monday, April 29th, 2013. I’ll never forget that morning. I woke up hungover from the weekend’s drinking that always seemed to extend itself through Sunday night. I was defeated, broken, out of shape, and needed a change.

I wouldn’t find sobriety for another two years, but this day was the start of my path to positive change. I wasn’t ready to admit yet that I struggled with alcohol addiction, but I was ready to start taking better care of myself. I decided that morning to start eating better with the help of Weight Watchers and get in a more regular exercise routine. I chose the only exercise I really knew: running.

I immediately fell in love with running and, combined with a more health conscious diet, my drinking reduced to just a couple of times a week. I didn’t have enough “points” to drink the way I wanted. That, unfortunately, would change once I hit my goal weight which amounted to over 50 pounds of weight lost.

As the drinking increased, so did the running. I think I used it to sort of “justify” my habit. The two couldn’t harmonize forever and after a few short stints of sobriety, I finally was able to put down drinking on March 2nd, 2015. Now nothing could hold me back from running…or so I thought.

I ran so much that I started racking up marathons in different states and set a goal to run a marathon in every state. Everything was going great, but eventually all of the “pounding” caught up with me and I suffered a severe iliotibial band injury. When I went to physical therapy, the therapist told me I had the tightest IT band he had ever seen. I was completely sidelined and couldn’t even run a mile. I felt fine on an exercise bike, in the pool and even doing light strength training, but running was out. I was devastated.

Eventually, after months of therapy, I was able to get back to running, but it was never quite right. I had to completely cancel a race in Austin, Texas and the next couple of marathons after that were a real struggle. My times were high and the pain I felt in the last six to eight miles of each race was excruciating. I thought many times that I was running my last marathon.

After running through pain and enduring the best I could, one day my friend Elissa suggested I try this thing called Bikram Yoga. I’ll be honest, I knew nothing about yoga let alone this Bikram Yoga of which she spoke so highly. My vision of yoga was a group of people sitting around, stretching their pinky toes and lying on their backs for most of the class (ha ha). I had no clue just how amazing it actually is.

As it turned out, Bikram Yoga is one of the most challenging workouts I’ve ever done both mentally and physically. It was exactly what I needed.

I started out doing Bikram once a week as a stretch day. I felt absolutely amazing after every class. My body was healing, my mind was clear and I felt…longer. That’s the only way I can describe it!

One class a week soon turned into two and before I knew it, I was hooked. I now go to three to five classes each week. My body feels younger, cleansed, refreshed.

I just completed my eleventh marathon in eleven states two weeks ago. Not only did I complete it, but I broke my personal record by over two full minutes. That IT band injury? I don’t even notice it.

That Austin marathon I had to back out of? I ran it in February. It was #10. I even found a Bikram studio in Texas. And sobriety?

As I write this I am 811 days sober. I am so grateful for the life I have today.

Each and every day is a gift, and if I get to go to Bikram it’s even sweeter.

Before yoga, recovery from a marathon was a one to two week process. Now, I just go to class the next day and I’m pain free. It’s that simple.

Finally, I can’t say enough about Bikram Yoga Portsmouth. I absolutely love each and every teacher there. They all have an amazing gift for making me feel confident as I grow as a yoga student, yet making sure I continue to be challenged, pushing me just a little further at just the right time.

Each teacher is unique in their own way. I truly, honestly, don’t have a favorite. They all get a perfect ten in my book. Thank you Bikram Yoga Portsmouth for not only restoring me on this quest to run 50 marathons, but for giving me just one more reason to stay sober each and every day. For that, I am forever grateful.

PJ Donahue is a musician and drum teacher who lives in Seacoast New Hampshire with his wife and daughter, Molly. You can hear more of his sound here: sometimes there are moments that can inspire an entirely new artistic direction. That is the story of River Sister.

Bikram Yoga and Benign Positional Vertigo

A bout of vertigo can put the brakes on a lot of daily activity. Can you still practice yoga? Will it help? Will it make it worse?

As with most questions in life, the answer is, When in doubt, go to yoga.

I have suffered from motion sickness and periodic bouts of vertigo throughout my life. It wasn’t until my early thirties that an ear exam revealed I have Meniere’s disease, a genetic condition shared by my father and sister, and an explanation for vertigo at such a young age.

Practicing yoga has been a life-saver.

I cannot say classes with vertigo are easy or fun, but they are a path to feeling better for the rest of the day. To understand how to use your practice to help your vertigo, it’s critical to understand the main causes of Benign Positional Vertigo (BPV).

The otolith organs (utrical and sacculus) in your ear monitor your position in relation to gravity with a combination of fine hairs and tiny crystals. For different reasons, the crystals can occasionally get dislodged from these organs and find their way into semicircular canals that make up the vestibular labrynth. It is the out-of-bounds crystals in the vestibular canals that cause the nystagmus, nausea and dizziness that make up vertigo.

To get on track to feeling better, we must first get those crystals back where they belong. There are several techniques out there to counter BPV. The most popular for years was the Epley Maneuver, which I found effective about 50% of the time and works better if it is done to you by a professional.

In recent years, I discovered the Foster’s Maneuver designed by Dr. Carol Foster. This technique is simple to use and can be repeated until you feel better. It is easily assimilated right in the middle of class if you notice the vertigo returning. Please watch the technique in the video below.

What to do in class?

First, perform the Foster’s maneuver prior to class. Because it is ideally done in 15-minute intervals, it is best to do it about 5-10 minutes prior to the start of class. Before you do the technique, lie on your back and roll over to one side and sit up. Repeat on the other side. Note which side made you feel worse. This is the side you will turn your head to during the exercise.

When the class begins Prayanama, it may feel a little bit gross the first few times you drop your head back. If there are still free crystals, they are moving around. That’s why you may feel nauseated or a little dizzy. The exhale breath actually helps to bring the crystals to the back of the vestibular canals where you want them for the maneuver. Go slowly, but don’t skip over it. It will make you feel better in the long run.

Half Moon Pose is helpful in loosening all of the muscles you’ve been tensing since you woke up with vertigo. It’s good for your overall health, so participate. I often find I don’t have a lot of strength when I have vertigo, so don’t be surprised if it looks very different from your usual posture. Complete the lateral flexion (side bends) and the back bend, but skip the forward bend, Hands to Feet, for this class.

The backward bend of Half Moon is the same as the prep phase of the Foster’s Technique. Since the first forward bend in class is about 15 minutes after you did the first set of Foster’s, now is a great time to repeat it. From the back bend, keep looking up and come down to your knees and execute the rest of the maneuver from there while the class completes hands to feet.

In the second set, do not repeat the Foster’s Technique, but skip the forward bend.

Awkward, Eagle, Standing Head-to-knee and Standing Bow can be executed as usual, with one exception. If you have the ability to put your forehead on your knee in SH2K, don’t do that today. Keep your face parallel to the mirror.

Balancing Stick should be done to tolerance. Most people find they cannot come all of the way down to parallel. If you woke up with a full-fledged vertigo this morning, I’d recommend keeping your face parallel to the mirror for this class. This means you will only come down about halfway into the stick pose.

By the time we get to Standing Separate-leg Stretching, if has been about 15 minutes since your last Foster’s Technique. If you are still experiencing a little of that shaky-eye nystagmus, this is a good time to repeat it.

If you are feeling okay at this point, feel free to perform the posture, but keep your face up, above the horizontal plane. For flexible students, you may be able to achieve this by placing your hands on the floor and doing the posture with a flat back. If you are a little less loose in the hamstrings, do this with your hands on your thighs for support.

half way ssls

Triangle can be performed normally, but pay attention to how you feel. You may not be able to turn your head to the ceiling if it is making you sick, especially to your bad side.

So that you don’t reverse the good you’ve been doing with the Foster’s maneuver, please do not go down in Standing Separate-leg Head-to-knee. Setting up the arms and turning to the side is enough for today. Stretching your arms up and lengthening your spine is plenty of hard work anyway.

Tree Pose is not likely to present any problems. Go slowly in Toe Stand to see how far down you can go before the headache and nausea creeps back in. Again, try to keep your face parallel to the front mirror.

Once we get to the floor, it can be very difficult to lie on your back in Savasana with your head completely horizontal. Trying using a block or a rolled up towel to prop up your head to a position where can lie comfortably without the world spinning.

It is okay to perform Wind-Removing Pose with your head slightly elevated, but don’t tuck your chin strongly to your chest.

For the Cobra series the postures are generally helpful for vertigo, but you may need to start and finish the postures with your face parallel to the mirror. This would look like setting up Cobra propped up on your elbows or Full Locust and Bow with your chest already off the floor. On really bad days, I find I need to do the pregnancy version of Locust pose to stave off the nausea.

For the belly-down Savasanas, I generally find that propping my turned head up on two fists is enough lift to stave off the dizziness, but still feel able to rest comfortably. Your rolled-up towel from Wind-Removing would probably work fine here, too.

During the rest of the class, the up and down of each Savasana may be too much for your spinning head. Feel free to sit up between postures or lean against the back wall.

Fixed Firm should feel nice. Go slowly with dropping your head back until the vertigo is gone. Half Tortoise is not recommended until you’re feeling better. It’s really not worth it to try it and start the world spinning again.

Camel is another wonderful back bend that gets the crystals to drop back in the vestibular canals. At this point, it has been more than 15 minutes since your last Fosters maneuver. After the second set of Camel, you’re in the perfect position to whip down into another set. Rabbit should be avoided anyway, so you have a few minutes to do a good, long hold. Remember to hold each phase of the maneuver until the nystagmus stops.

Head-to-knee and Stretching can be performed to tolerance, as long as you don’t drop the head below the horizontal line.

Spine Twist can also be performed as usual, although you may find you need to move your head very slowly through the twist if it brings back the nystagmus.

For the final Savasana you may continue to use the rolled up towel to prop your head or you might find you are feeling well enough to test out a normal execution.

The most important part of this process is to move slowly and with awareness so you can discover what makes your body feel better or worse and stay within your physical limitations for today.

It is recommended with the Epley maneuver that you sleep propped up for the next 24 hours. It does not come recommended with the Foster’s maneuver, but I generally sleep with my head elevated for the next couple of days just to be sure it doesn’t return.

BPV can be initiated or exacerbated by low barometric pressure due to pressure sensitivity in the ear. In times of low barometric pressure, it will help to continue these recommendations both for class and for sleep until the pressure changes.

If you have any questions, ask your teachers for help navigating this difficult time.

sara and bella headstand

 

 

 

 

Sara Curry is the co-owner and Director of Bikram Yoga in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. When her vertigo is under control, she enjoys spending time upside down with her husband and two kids in Southern Maine.

 

 

 

Comfortable in My Skin

When I took my first Bikram Yoga Class, I was 22 years old. I was a landscaper by day and a heavy drinker by night. I paired my Budweisers each day with at least a dozen American Spirits, if not two. My job was hard on my body and my best friend and I relaxed at the end of the day with some well-deserved brews.

After my first class, I felt amazing. The class itself was hard and uncomfortable, but after I felt light and happy. At the time, I didn’t know anything about the “yoga high” or what was happening in my body.

I had the perfect excuse not to return. I was too young to need this type of yoga.  It was hard and I was uncomfortable for several hours out of the day.  Yes, it’s only a 90-minute class, but I suffered from severe anxiety. I was uncomfortable from the moment I agreed to go until I was leaving the parking lot.

I have lived my whole life uncomfortable in my own skin.

So I quit. It took me five years to get back on the mat again.  At this point in my life, was no longer drinking, but still smoked a pack a day.  I started out small, going to class a couple of times a week.  The classes were still as hard as I remembered, but I had lost the bloat that comes from drinking a six pack of tall boys a night and that made the classes more tolerable.  My lungs burned in class, but not enough to keep me from craving that all-too-welcoming post-yoga smoke.

When we got a positive pregnancy test, I finally gave up the smokes. My daughter wasn’t going to grow up in a house with a smoker. Unfortunately, I also gave up the yoga. I wish I had known then what I know now about how yoga eases the effects of withdrawals physiologically, emotionally, and mentally.

I spent six years without drinking before deciding when my second child was two that my earlier struggles with drinking were probably just from being young and immature. I couldn’t handle my drinking before, but now I’d be able to cope and limit myself and control the types of behaviors that led me to quit in my early twenties.

I was a social worker, stressed to the max. Within a year, I was back drinking another six  pack most days and taking my stress out on everyone around me. I was so stressed that I needed a beer to relax. The funny part is that the alcohol always made my anxiety worse.

I was right back to that old ingrained fight-or-flight behavior.  I knew something had to give. My wife had given up telling me that she knew something that really would help with my stress, but I wasn’t going to practice yoga when I couldn’t get to class every day.

I was miserable and the stakes only kept getting higher at my job. I made the choice to leave my high-stress, unpredictable job and attend yoga teacher training. This scared me to death. I couldn’t talk in front of two people, answer the phone at my house, or make an appointment for myself. Forget about standing on a podium and teaching yoga to a large group of people. Somewhere I found the courage to go anyway.

I went to training and the question that played in my mind over and over again throughout those 99 classes surprised me. The question wasn’t whether I’d be able to teach; it was whether I’d be strong enough to keep up the sobriety that I’d sustained for two months when I got out of yoga hell.  I had this underlying pull telling me it was time to give it all up, but I wasn’t ready.  I continued to drink for another two years after graduating from teacher training.

What would it take to give up my crutch that didn’t actually help me?  I’m ashamed to say it took getting drunk, acting belligerent, and having my little girl ask me over and over on a car ride home from a birthday party, “Daddy, are you okay?  What’s wrong, Daddy? Daddy, are you okay?”  I was scaring and confusing one of the most important people in my life.

I woke up the next morning and remembered everything that had happened the night before. I told her never ever would I act that way again. It has been my intention from that point forward that she would not grow up in a household where she was on edge, where life was unpredictable, where secrets were held, and shame was the underlying feeling for the person that was her role model.

I am sober. Sobriety has changed my life. 

I had gotten sober before, with the support of my wife. I thought I could do it on my own again and for the first year, I did.

When we started the Sober Yogis program, I had a nagging feeling that I was going to have to do it. As I listened to each person speak, I made the decision not just to be a teacher, but to be a participant. Sober Yogis was the support system I didn’t know I needed. It changed the way I view myself as a sober person.

My sobriety was enhanced by knowing that I’m not alone in this plight to be sober.  In fact, it doesn’t even feel like a plight any more. I’m sober. This is who I am and I’m so proud of it.  I have a life where I feel good in my skin. I’ve come to realize through yoga that life is lived when we can go through moments of discomfort great and small and not suppress them with drugs, food, or alcohol. I can feel extremely happy, down in the dumps, anxious as all hell and just ride the feeling through.

For me, being sober, just like being a drinker, it is a choice.  As a fellow sober yogi once said, “I can have that hell back any time I want it.” Sobriety is a choice to be strong, a choice to be okay with feeling uncomfortable, it’s a choice to be in control, and it’s a truly powerful decision.

My daughter says to me all of the time, “I saved your life, didn’t I, Daddy?”  She knows I quit smoking and drinking to be a better dad to her and Judah.  Yes, Bella did save my life, but Sara saved my soul by bringing Sober Yogis to me.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I could live a life of happiness in my skin. Yet here I am: living the dream.

jaylon and kidsJaylon Curry is the father of two, avid yogi, chicken farmer, and co-owner of Bikram Yoga Portsmouth in New Hampshire.

I am Not Good in the Heat and Other Excuses

“I’d try hot yoga, but I’m not good in the heat.” I’ve heard that at least a hundred times or variations on the theme.

“I hate heat.”

“I can’t handle heat.”

“No, really, I hate the heat.”

“I tried it and I couldn’t handle the heat.”

I am the bearer of both good and bad news.

These are not reasons. These are excuses.

The good news is that now that you understand it is an excuse, you can take action. The bad news is that this is just an excuse and not a reason not to go to class.

The human body has a tremendously efficient and responsive thermoregulation system. Except in cases of illness, it does a wonderful job of constantly adjusting to changing external and internal temperature changes.

Your body is no different than any of billions of humans on the planet.

All along the equator, humans live in climates with a heat index much higher than a Bikram Yoga class. People survive Texas in the summer. Just a few decades ago, most did it without air conditioning. You, too, could survive there.

“But I am a special case….”

My friend, John, has a spinal cord injury that severed communication with his sweat glands. He cannot sweat. He uses a spray bottle to mist his skin when he gets hot and the water causes evapotranspiration to cool his body, just like yours. John can do hot yoga. You can, too.

Being in a hot yoga class is uncomfortable.

It’s hard to do yoga. It’s hard to look at yourself. It is hard to feel a body you have been trying to ignore for decades. You are hot and you think you might suffocate. You think your body just can’t handle it. These are thoughts. That doesn’t make them reality.

The secret to it all is, you can do it. You can show up and learn to breathe and focus on your body and not your mind. You can acclimate to the heat and take it one breath at a time and become more comfortable in your body. You can learn to do what you can today and not what you think you should be able to do by now, goldangit! You can become more comfortable in this moment, even if this moment is uncomfortable.

“I am not good in the heat” is a phrase that means “I am not comfortable being uncomfortable,” and this is normal. The human brain is designed to avoid discomfort. Within a fraction of a second, your body can classify any sensation as one to avoid or to seek. Before you even have time to rationalize, your mind will lead you toward avoidance.

If you are chased by a tiger, Avoid! Avoid! Get away and get safe. If you don’t want to take out the trash, well, its time to learn to control the mind and get the job done.

Reason, logic and patience are all gifts of our higher brain function. We can use our brains to either help ourselves in the moment or to hurt ourselves. It is the self-awareness that yoga brings that helps us to experience the present moment and act from a place of understanding and reason.

This is one of the greatest gifts of a hot yoga practice. We train over and over, pose by pose, to pause and to breathe in conditions of challenge and discomfort. We learn to quiet the mind, control the breath and listen to the body. “Am I safe? Am I okay?” we ask our bodies over and over in class.

When the answer is yes, we induce neuro-plasticity and retrain our brains not to fidget, hold our breath, or increase our heart rate under stress. This is why, in scientific testing, yogis have shown significant reductions in the stress hormone cortisol. This is why so many yogis report that yoga “reduces stress” even though their lives are as stressful as others.

Here are some other excuses, parading as “reasons”:

  • I am too old.
  • I am inflexible.
  • I am too fat.
  • I can’t.
  • Yoga hurts people.
  • I have __fill in the blank__ injury.
  • I am tired.
  • I have __fill in the blank__ disease.
  • I don’t have time.
  • My family needs me.
  • I don’t know what I’m doing.
  • I can’t afford it.

These excuses are all of the exact reasons that you need to do yoga. These are all factors in your life that yoga will help you heal from or deal with. I have never met a yoga studio owner who wouldn’t accept work/study or trade for yoga. If you are truly too busy to do yoga, you had better get to class before you die.

If you have seen yourself in one of those excuses, it may have started a diatribe in your head against me and how I don’t know what I’m talking about or, worse, about you and what a loser you are to have made an excuse.

You are not a loser; you are a human. While I take responsibility for saying some things that may have made you uncomfortable, I am not sorry in the slightest. That’s my job. I have made a career of helping people find comfort in their lives through uncomfortable acts and facts. I paid for the mirrors, but you’ve gotta do the work.

The payoff of all of that work is big. Peace. Well-being. Freedom from pain. Health.

In the words of my teacher, “You deserve to have the best life. I feel cry when I say that.” I feel a little cry myself, now that you mention it….

sara headshotSara Curry is the Owner and Director of Bikram Yoga in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. She is Vice President of Seacoast Area Teachers of Yoga in Action, a non-profit that improves accessibility of yoga to traditionally under-served populations. She is also one of the creators of the Sober Yogis yoga and recovery program.

I Hate My Yoga Teacher

Day One. I hate my yoga teacher. Anyone could be that skinny if all they had to do all day was workout and shop at Whole Foods. That bitch talked me into an introductory month. Why did I spend an extra $15 to listen to some immature twenty-something tell me about the meaning of life?

Day Two. Look in the mirror? I am sure you looooove looking in the mirror, bitch, with your $200 haircut. The mirror is just there to stroke your ego. Well, let me tell you what, I am not looking in the mirror. That is not what yoga is about. People who are in tune with their bodies should be able to feel their alignment. That’s real yoga.

Day Three. I still hate my yoga teacher. I have nothing in common with this woman. Don’t talk to a bunch of forty-year old women about aging gracefully while we’re trying to stand on one foot. What does she know about life anyway? I am sure her daddy bought her that Subaru and she must live off a trust fund to afford those $70 yoga pants.

Day Five. This asshole told me today that if I couldn’t get my leg around the first time to try again. What the hell does he think he knows? I know my body. I know what I can and can’t do. And I don’t know why these teachers are all suggesting when to drink water and when to not. Like I don’t know how to drink after four decades on this planet? What a bunch of militaristic dicks. It’s all about the ego with them. All they want to do is control us.

Day Six. I don’t even know why I keep coming back. This can’t be good for you. The human body wasn’t made to do these things. And the room! It must be a haven for germs. It can’t be safe to have so many sweaty bodies so close together. What is she doing going over to the thermostat again? Is that bitch trying to punish us for falling out of Standing Bow?

Day Eight. I swear, I’m only coming back to get my money’s worth. I paid $30 for the intro month and I might as well get as much use out of it as I can. It costs as much as a month at the gym and this is the cheap month! The bitch at the front desk told me my goal was to stay in the room to get acclimated to the heat my first class. I knew she was an idiot after two postures. I needed to get some fresh air. I don’t know why anyone else stayed in there. I mean, yeah, I got dizzy when I walked out into the lobby and had to sit down, but I’m sure that’s just because she had the heat turned up way too high. There wasn’t any oxygen in there!

Day Ten. The bitch was all tired at the front desk today. I am sure she was out partying with all of her friends last night. When I walked in, she told me she was glad to see me. Yeah, right. Despite the fact that I hate my yoga teacher, I didn’t leave the room today. I didn’t even think to leave. I was too caught up in the poses. I think I’m starting to get some of them. And I never got dizzy. They must have turned the heat down.

Day Thirteen. HOLY CRAP! I got my leg around in Eagle today! I never thought I would do that. I mean, NEVER! He said, “Try one more time,” and I did and I GOT IT! He believed in me before I ever believed in myself. I don’t know what he saw or how he knew, but HOT DAMN!

Day Fourteen. After last night’s miracle, I got up the courage to try the front row. Now that I can see myself in the mirror, I realize my left hip is always twisting back. That’s the one that used to hurt me in soccer. When I bring it forward, holy smokes the stretch!!! No wonder I was avoiding it when I couldn’t see in the back row.

Day Sixteen. Okay, she doesn’t have a trust fund. She is a lululemon ambassador and she gets those expensive pants for teaching free classes at the showroom on the weekends. I didn’t realize that they are always teaching when other people are not working: early, late, on weekends, on holidays. Still, I tried to ask a question after class today, but all of her friends were lined up to gossip after class. I waited twenty minutes, but no one seems to care about my needs, so I just left without asking. Of course they have never heard of “customer service” at a yoga studio.

Day Eighteen. Son of a gun. I guess their “suggestions” work. I didn’t drink water before camel today and for the first time, I held it the whole time, both sets, and didn’t feel like barfing! The bitch told me I nailed my Triangle alignment “spot on”, too. What, does she think she’s from London now?

Day Twenty-one. I think I am addicted. I didn’t come yesterday and I felt “off” all day. The teachers always say the only class you regret is the one you didn’t take. They couldn’t be more right. Class today felt amazing! I felt like She-ra, Princess of Power. I guess rest does help your muscles heal. I got my kicking leg locked in Standing Head-to-Knee. I can’t wait to try it again tomorrow.

Day Twenty-two. I was listening in as she talked with her “friends” after class today. The girl was complaining of a sore lower back and how she was trying to stretch it out, but it wasn’t getting better. Queen Bitch explained how you can’t stretch out back pain and that back bending is what actually heals it. We sit and forward bend all day, so more of the same will only get you more of the same. I’m glad I eavesdropped. My lower back has been tender for a week now. I am going to try out what she said tomorrow.

Day Twenty-five. No more back pain! I have been taking it easy in the forward bends and working my ass off in the back bends. I even get up during work to do a quick half moon and back bend once in a while. I haven’t felt this good in years. I thought that low-grade back pain was just something I’d have to live with for the rest of my life.

Day Twenty-six. I decided to stay after and wait until I got my turn tonight. My wrist has really been bugging me and it’s affecting my typing. After the back pain realization, maybe she can help me with this. I waited until 8:40 pm. Turns out, those people I thought were her friends are students waiting to ask questions about themselves. One women was even talking all about her dog’s knee surgery for, like, ten minutes. As I left the studio at 9 pm, my yoga teacher was walking into the laundry room to finish washing and folding towels. Her class ended an hour ago…

Day Twenty-nine. My intro month ends tomorrow. I can’t stop now. I am going to sign up for automatic billing. It really is the best deal. And this is like paying for the gym, therapy, chiropractic and a doctor’s visit all in one and I can come every day. I actually came twice yesterday. I got up to take the early bird and had such a terrible day at work that I needed it to de-stress before going home. The guy I used to call “the asshole” mentioned to the class what dedication I had book-ending my day with yoga. Me? Dedicated? I have always thought of myself as a quitter, but I guess I am.

And my wrist is feeling much better. Turns out I had my elbows bent in Locust and my wrist was twisted when I was lying on it. I thought it was more important to get them under, even though she said, “Be sure your elbows are straight.” I wonder how many other cues I’ve misinterpreted.

Day Thirty-four. I learned today that my yoga teacher had a miscarriage three weeks ago. She came to work two days later, tired at the front desk, but she still had a smile for each of us. She told me she was glad I was there. I remember, she even said,”Is that a new top? It really brings out the color of your eyes.” When will I learn, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover?

Day Thirty-nine. A couple of the people from yoga invited me out for tea after class this weekend. How cool. I didn’t realize I was making friends in the locker room, but I feel so comfortable around these women. We had tea and a delicious, healthy lunch after a killer class. I feel like I’m walking on air right now!

Day Forty-five. I thanked my teacher today. I know I should have done it earlier, but the weather was crappy and lots of businesses were closing early, and my teacher volunteered to stay so that those of us in the 9-5 grind could get a class in a the end of a long day. I know she had a long ride home on snowy roads. I said, “Thank you for being here.” “Happy to,” she said. Could she really be happy being in service to others? I needed that class today.

Day Sixty-four. I haven’t been posting much lately. I am too busy feeling good to complain. I am just so lucky to have found this studio, this community and these amazing teachers. I have become a better person just by taking classes here for two months. Who would have thought?

Day Sixty-five. And I forgot to mention: I love my yoga teacher.

sara and bella headstandSara Curry is a yoga teacher and studio owner in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Through many years on the mat, she has learned to love each and every one of her yoga instructors from a wide variety of disciplines by first learning to love herself.